For Fullerton, Orange County, CA 92831. I hope this will be helpful to someone who intends to fill out a ballot! Find your polling location: vote.org
Propositions
1. Yes, invest in improving affordable housing in the State.
2. This is a tough one. For now I say No, taking money away from mental health treatment to house the homeless is not a solution, it's like dumping the lawn rakings in the living room.
3. I was initially for funding water quality and conservation projects, but the Sierra Club opposes it due to specific projects it would fund such as dams in sensitive locations and redirects cap-and-trade funds away from climate change mitigation, so I will vote No.
4. Yes, fund retrofitting children's hospitals for earthquake safety.
5. I've heard reasonable arguments on either side of this and am leaning toward Yes.
6. No.
7. Daylight Saving Time: for once, I might abstain.
8. Yes, limit profit on dialysis as a percentage over cost.
10. Yes, allow local administrations to implement rent control.
11. No, don't offset healthcare costs by violating labor laws that protect the humanity of emergency workers.
12. Yes.
Candidates: the top-two system leaves voters little choice
Governor: Gavin Newsom. I listened to a debate on KQED Forum and I just don't believe the opponent, especially the way he walks back discriminatory stances against gender nonconforming teachers. I don't love Newsom either, but the top-two system's the pity.
Lieutenant Governor: toss-up, leaning toward Kounalakis for her ambition and explicit commitment to limit tuition increases at state colleges and universities.
Secretary of State: Alex Padilla, endorsed by Sierra Club and Planned Parenthood.
Controller: Betty Yee
Treasurer: Fiona Ma
Attorney General: Xavier Becerra
Insurance Commissioner: toss-up between Poizner whose fierce independence I like, but Lara focuses on health insurance which I feel is a higher priority.
Board of Equalization, District 4: No confidence, which I can't write in because of the top-two.
US Senator: De Leon. Thank you, Senator, and it's time.
US Representative 39th District: Gil Cisneros. Again, no choice due to top-two.
State Assembly 65th District: I was going for Quirk-Silva but then got a mailer for hardening the charges against murder suspects of police. Learning about past cases and the relationship between courts and police has severely eroded my confidence in the criminal justice system. Again, because there is no write-in, I will probably vote for her anyway.
Superintendent public instruction: Tony Thurmond. The other candidate's statement reads like a front for corporate expansionism.
Community College District: Brown's statement is weak, but he is a community member whose entire family attended Fullerton College. I might write in no confidence.
High School District: both candidate statements are weak, but Klatzker has more of a human and experiential focus that reflects my values in education.
Fullerton School District: Shana Charles
County Supervisor: No confidence. Amazingly, neither candidate submitted statements to Voter's Edge. Neither impresses me, though Chaffee is clearly the conservative.
District Attorney: No confidence. They both sound rude and repulsive.
Sherriff-Coroner: Either no confidence or Nguyen. This is an unethical combined office. I do like the cooperative tone of Nguyen's brief statement, especially in contrast with the opponent's heavy-handedness.
District 5 Council: Ahmad Zahra prioritizes affordable housing.
Judicial confirmation
Carol A Corrigan: NO, voted repeatedly for sexist marriage law and opposed by San Diego Democrats for Equality. I disapprove of judges who want people to vote on who gets human rights. Rights are issues of justice, not popular opinion.
Leondra R. Kruger: yes. This is probably my first approval of a justice based on a detailed endorsement in the LA Times.
William Dato: yes. Here's the little I could find that was helpful, a dissent against curbing the power of State DA from suing pharmaceutical companies.
Judith Haller: no. (San Diego Democratic Clubs)
Richard Huffman: no. (San Diego Democratic Clubs, and his son was disbarred for misconduct)
Patricia Guerrero: YES! She has done great advocacy work for people displaced by violence in other countries and for women.
Patricia Benke: no, this is the kind of judge who has eroded my faith in the criminal justice system.
Richard Fields: yes, he does great advocacy and community outreach work to get at-risk defendants and addicts into recovery.
David Thompson: yes. I like a justice who stands up to prosecutors.
Thomas Goethals: yes, for the same reason.
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
#4 Raha
Introducing Raha, a "pretty assimilated" first-generation Iranian American living in New York. We conducted this interview on Zoom. I apologize for taking so long to post it! I think this will be it for the series, with school now in full swing.
This was the first time I caught up with Raha since she left the Exploratorium and moved to grad school years ago. Her story resonates with me especially now because most Asians and Latinos I see every day never experienced the isolation of being the only whatever in the room their entire youth. That dynamic filled me with a deep sense of inferiority and difference that afflicts me to this day. It manifests in our struggles to learn our first languages and stay connected with family and culture.
Raha is on fire for combating and mitigating climate change. She links the solution to knowledge of people of place and the value of indigenous cultures, including those of colonizers and immigrants who carry cultural practices indigenous to their places of origin. Reviewing the tape, I realize we don't get much further into this idea, but the force of it is confidence in our capacity to tackle this serious threat. Considering how avidly citizens and consumers indulge in fear, climate change has been surprisingly difficult to keep in the spotlight.
Thanks for listening! Please feel free to share how climate change shows up in your life, or any other reflections in the comments below.
This was the first time I caught up with Raha since she left the Exploratorium and moved to grad school years ago. Her story resonates with me especially now because most Asians and Latinos I see every day never experienced the isolation of being the only whatever in the room their entire youth. That dynamic filled me with a deep sense of inferiority and difference that afflicts me to this day. It manifests in our struggles to learn our first languages and stay connected with family and culture.
Raha is on fire for combating and mitigating climate change. She links the solution to knowledge of people of place and the value of indigenous cultures, including those of colonizers and immigrants who carry cultural practices indigenous to their places of origin. Reviewing the tape, I realize we don't get much further into this idea, but the force of it is confidence in our capacity to tackle this serious threat. Considering how avidly citizens and consumers indulge in fear, climate change has been surprisingly difficult to keep in the spotlight.
Thanks for listening! Please feel free to share how climate change shows up in your life, or any other reflections in the comments below.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Intermission
I want to assure readers I am working on #3. There will be a delay because I am spending next week at Tassajara Zen monastery in Big Sur!
I also invite you to go on a news diet or fast with me as major media indulge in the criminal history of Catholic institutions. I am reeling at the simultaneous hypocritical rejection of love relationships between consenting adults due to gender and the unrepentant, apologist responses from leaders and community heard on the news. Instead, let's turn to Catholic and ex-Catholic people in our own lives and inquire together.
May we, together, discover our humanity.
I also invite you to go on a news diet or fast with me as major media indulge in the criminal history of Catholic institutions. I am reeling at the simultaneous hypocritical rejection of love relationships between consenting adults due to gender and the unrepentant, apologist responses from leaders and community heard on the news. Instead, let's turn to Catholic and ex-Catholic people in our own lives and inquire together.
May we, together, discover our humanity.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
#3: Emma
Emma tells her story of her Mexican American family. I had technical problems with the audio, so please excuse the quality.
Emma's strong American identity reminds me of the moment when, arguing with Indonesians in Bali, I realized for the first time that I was not only Chinese but unequivocally American. She is often read as white and doesn't feel wrongly distanced from Mexican society in California because she is American. She gracefully shares her conversational Spanish with patrons in her retail job and brushes off discriminatory remarks from coworkers. And yes, I hear irony in her references to black and white Americans as, simply, "Americans," in contrast to ethnic minorities like us. Perhaps we'd do better to question who is included or excluded every time this word it used.
Catholicism comes up again and I delight in the casual attitude Emma shows, as in telling the story of her grandmother who protested her leg-revealing summer outfit. Not having grown up under any religious pressure, I recoil when others even use explicitly religious language, let alone impose moral dogma, and perceive real harm as a result of her parents' self-identity of "living in sin" unwed culminating in a financially and emotionally messy separation. Yet Emma engages fully with her extended family, complete with Catholic holidays and rituals, an easy Catholicism that doesn't make the news but guides so many in religious America.
She finally details the difficulty of navigating institutions as immigrants. While her reflection is on academia in particular, I recall hearing my father asking my mother, when preparing to start his first US job, what "business casual" means. Before the internet, how could immigrants possibly know norms and standards like this? First-generation college and graduate school students lack any frame of reference for crucial details like requirements for application, advising conventions, and funding sources which differ between areas of study and schools. Ultimately this is an issue of class and social mobility.
I have to plug this episode of Hidden Brain where a study showing temporary improvement in creativity is shown for people who have dated someone from a country not their own, but not those with friends from other countries.
May we cultivate kinship with those in need by listening deeply.
Emma's strong American identity reminds me of the moment when, arguing with Indonesians in Bali, I realized for the first time that I was not only Chinese but unequivocally American. She is often read as white and doesn't feel wrongly distanced from Mexican society in California because she is American. She gracefully shares her conversational Spanish with patrons in her retail job and brushes off discriminatory remarks from coworkers. And yes, I hear irony in her references to black and white Americans as, simply, "Americans," in contrast to ethnic minorities like us. Perhaps we'd do better to question who is included or excluded every time this word it used.
Catholicism comes up again and I delight in the casual attitude Emma shows, as in telling the story of her grandmother who protested her leg-revealing summer outfit. Not having grown up under any religious pressure, I recoil when others even use explicitly religious language, let alone impose moral dogma, and perceive real harm as a result of her parents' self-identity of "living in sin" unwed culminating in a financially and emotionally messy separation. Yet Emma engages fully with her extended family, complete with Catholic holidays and rituals, an easy Catholicism that doesn't make the news but guides so many in religious America.
She finally details the difficulty of navigating institutions as immigrants. While her reflection is on academia in particular, I recall hearing my father asking my mother, when preparing to start his first US job, what "business casual" means. Before the internet, how could immigrants possibly know norms and standards like this? First-generation college and graduate school students lack any frame of reference for crucial details like requirements for application, advising conventions, and funding sources which differ between areas of study and schools. Ultimately this is an issue of class and social mobility.
I have to plug this episode of Hidden Brain where a study showing temporary improvement in creativity is shown for people who have dated someone from a country not their own, but not those with friends from other countries.
May we cultivate kinship with those in need by listening deeply.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
#2: John Park
John Park* spoke with me about internalized racism among young Asian Americans in Orange County and his experience as a Catholic Korean American youth minister. Here's his story.
I broke out our dialogue below because there are subjects that may be difficult for sensitive listeners. Please air as appropriate. I find it particularly useful to note when my truth is so fixed as to feel solid; the security of solidified truth is false, a red flag marking where the heart is blocked.
First part:
There's a moment when I thought John misspoke by calling himself pro-choice, but later he asserted public law should not be an arm of religious rules. We certainly found common ground, but there were some points that remained murky to me.
One of the views I can't "un-see" is the constructed nature of gender and norms, especially how they are pegged to reproduction. We are millennia advanced beyond the valuation of human beings based on the gametes we produce and yet our bodies are daily made currency and debt for misogyny. John admits his insistence on the possibility of pregnancy (as well as a loving relationship) for permissible sex doesn't take this into consideration. When we try to protect something, we risk all. I think it's interesting that the risk the church chooses is on the side of harming ourselves through gender-based constraints, while I have chosen to risk harm on the side of exploring and finding out for myself. I obviously find the latter approach more consonant with the nature of science and learning. I admit that in the course of finding out for myself, I have harmed myself and others. I can assure you my effort to stop harming is, as a direct consequence, all the more fervent. Were I not allowed to find out for myself, I cannot say how sure my steps would be on this path.
I relate my experience of a deplorably common form of rape here. I was struck, in this exchange as well as in my interrogation of what John's church does to prevent sexual misconduct by its clergy and members, by John's mostly procedural response. The first times I heard my friends' stories of being sexually assaulted in college, I did not know what to think or how to respond; with more experience and the publicizing of #MeToo stories I am getting better at bringing forth my love for those harmed and immediate condemnation of sexually violent and exploitative behavior. Let's also share how we offer and want to be offered support for survivors.
Second part:
We both left the interview wanting to continue the conversation, and I hope to encourage you to engage sincerely with those in your life whose values and norms threaten our well-being. The fate of this democracy depends on it.
*This is not his real name.
I broke out our dialogue below because there are subjects that may be difficult for sensitive listeners. Please air as appropriate. I find it particularly useful to note when my truth is so fixed as to feel solid; the security of solidified truth is false, a red flag marking where the heart is blocked.
First part:
There's a moment when I thought John misspoke by calling himself pro-choice, but later he asserted public law should not be an arm of religious rules. We certainly found common ground, but there were some points that remained murky to me.
One of the views I can't "un-see" is the constructed nature of gender and norms, especially how they are pegged to reproduction. We are millennia advanced beyond the valuation of human beings based on the gametes we produce and yet our bodies are daily made currency and debt for misogyny. John admits his insistence on the possibility of pregnancy (as well as a loving relationship) for permissible sex doesn't take this into consideration. When we try to protect something, we risk all. I think it's interesting that the risk the church chooses is on the side of harming ourselves through gender-based constraints, while I have chosen to risk harm on the side of exploring and finding out for myself. I obviously find the latter approach more consonant with the nature of science and learning. I admit that in the course of finding out for myself, I have harmed myself and others. I can assure you my effort to stop harming is, as a direct consequence, all the more fervent. Were I not allowed to find out for myself, I cannot say how sure my steps would be on this path.
I relate my experience of a deplorably common form of rape here. I was struck, in this exchange as well as in my interrogation of what John's church does to prevent sexual misconduct by its clergy and members, by John's mostly procedural response. The first times I heard my friends' stories of being sexually assaulted in college, I did not know what to think or how to respond; with more experience and the publicizing of #MeToo stories I am getting better at bringing forth my love for those harmed and immediate condemnation of sexually violent and exploitative behavior. Let's also share how we offer and want to be offered support for survivors.
Second part:
We both left the interview wanting to continue the conversation, and I hope to encourage you to engage sincerely with those in your life whose values and norms threaten our well-being. The fate of this democracy depends on it.
*This is not his real name.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
#1: Jay
My first interview is with Jay*, a fellow graduate student in my environmental microbiology lab at California State University Fullerton. I met him on my visit as a prospective student last year, where he spoke candidly and enthusiastically about the lab and we connected over Indonesia. He begins by describing the circumstances of his family's escape from Jakarta in 1998 following fatal and sexually violent anti-Chinese riots. What I love about this story is how at once relatable it is -- I certainly watched many hours of Tom & Jerry cartoons -- and how horrific.
I was keen on the story of Chinese cultural norms perceived by many, including my guest, as rude (5:15). My mother relates public shaming stories from her WeChat feed such Chinese bus riders piling onto public buses by elbowing each other aside -- it's telling that many Chinese nationals and expats feel shame about this norm while no such standard is applied to imperialist and exploitative norms perpetrated by white folks in media, business, and schools. If I got a dollar every time someone asked where I'm from...
The conversation turned away from culture clash and toward the political climate depleting research funding to favor unsustainable industries. Jay intends to enter research in environmental conservation, an area fraught by political unpredictability, Scott Pruitt having left his post the day before our conversation. The stereotype of Chinese American academics and professionals silences our impact, ongoing and potential, on society and markets, but leadership doesn't have to look like executive positions and elected office. It made me realize the rich intersectionality of first-generation immigrant survival mentality and governance, political subjects I want to explore more with future guests.
*Jay chose a pseudonym for this post.
I was keen on the story of Chinese cultural norms perceived by many, including my guest, as rude (5:15). My mother relates public shaming stories from her WeChat feed such Chinese bus riders piling onto public buses by elbowing each other aside -- it's telling that many Chinese nationals and expats feel shame about this norm while no such standard is applied to imperialist and exploitative norms perpetrated by white folks in media, business, and schools. If I got a dollar every time someone asked where I'm from...
The conversation turned away from culture clash and toward the political climate depleting research funding to favor unsustainable industries. Jay intends to enter research in environmental conservation, an area fraught by political unpredictability, Scott Pruitt having left his post the day before our conversation. The stereotype of Chinese American academics and professionals silences our impact, ongoing and potential, on society and markets, but leadership doesn't have to look like executive positions and elected office. It made me realize the rich intersectionality of first-generation immigrant survival mentality and governance, political subjects I want to explore more with future guests.
*Jay chose a pseudonym for this post.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Executive orders on the fate of immigrants
Twenty-eight years ago, a six-year-old was bundled onto a jet plane in Beijing and conducted by kind stewardesses to her parents in New York. It was 1990, bare months after thousands of student demonstrators were cut down and hosed off the city square for petitioning the Chinese government for democracy.
After President George HW Bush vetoed a Congressional bill to protect Chinese international students, pressure from Congress and the press led him to issue an executive order extending a hold on deportation of Chinese students, allowing students with expired or revoked passports to apply for temporary worker status, and extending work authorization to Chinese nationals here at the time of the massacre. This provided a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for my parents to stay here after completing their degrees, so they sent for me and eventually had my brother, a second child who would have been barred by Chinese law.
I'll never know the extent to which any of my family might have been persecuted for pro-democracy views. The topic is still actively suppressed in Beijing in a cyber arms race bottomlined by thuggish intimidation and imprisonment. I do know that it's far from the minds of most Americans, including Chinese and other Asian Americans, when considering the nation's immigration policy.
And why should it be foremost? We mustn't wait for atrocities to open our hearts to those in need: the influx of Jews and other refugees during WWII were primarily opposed by the American public at the time. How do we regard that hatred and alienation now, with our incomplete immigration system spiked with reluctant executive orders, loomed over by an activist Supreme Court?
Facing political polarization, I turn to the ultimate lesson of Mahayana Buddhism: we are interconnected. Over the next weeks, I will share interviews with other immigrants on this blog on subjects including racism and social conservatism. In the meantime, take care of yourselves and reach out to those whose views seem offensive and difficult. Our sense of separation is but a seductive delusion.
May all be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.
After President George HW Bush vetoed a Congressional bill to protect Chinese international students, pressure from Congress and the press led him to issue an executive order extending a hold on deportation of Chinese students, allowing students with expired or revoked passports to apply for temporary worker status, and extending work authorization to Chinese nationals here at the time of the massacre. This provided a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for my parents to stay here after completing their degrees, so they sent for me and eventually had my brother, a second child who would have been barred by Chinese law.
I'll never know the extent to which any of my family might have been persecuted for pro-democracy views. The topic is still actively suppressed in Beijing in a cyber arms race bottomlined by thuggish intimidation and imprisonment. I do know that it's far from the minds of most Americans, including Chinese and other Asian Americans, when considering the nation's immigration policy.
And why should it be foremost? We mustn't wait for atrocities to open our hearts to those in need: the influx of Jews and other refugees during WWII were primarily opposed by the American public at the time. How do we regard that hatred and alienation now, with our incomplete immigration system spiked with reluctant executive orders, loomed over by an activist Supreme Court?
Facing political polarization, I turn to the ultimate lesson of Mahayana Buddhism: we are interconnected. Over the next weeks, I will share interviews with other immigrants on this blog on subjects including racism and social conservatism. In the meantime, take care of yourselves and reach out to those whose views seem offensive and difficult. Our sense of separation is but a seductive delusion.
May all be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
The Orlando shooting was part of my world
When my housemate stumbled into the kitchen Sunday morning, ashen and wide-eyed at the news, I expressed to her that this senseless killing was consistently a part of my world already.
Every day, I am observing more clearly that I am exclusion, hatred, and alienation. I walk into the classroom and see Others who are unlike me, incomprehensible, and unapproachable. I feel disconnection and I perpetuate disconnection. And it's only 9am.
I was at first surprised after straight family or friends, with a single exception, chose not to reach out to me. At most an acquaintance would ask me "How are you?" with a bit more emphasis than usual, and perhaps show hesitation as they received a peaceful and joyful answer.
Exclusion is part of this world and knowing it is the first step on the path to freedom from it.
When I was beginning transition nine years ago, a Berkeley Free Clinic trainer explained to volunteers that, should someone draw a firearm in the clinic, "we take him down." As a martial artist, I agree, and I was relieved to learn that this is the official US recommendation for a group of people trapped with an active shooter. In reality, though, exclusion from those around us obstructs this unified protective response. This natural response.
If a mother sees her children's lives threatened, she moves without hesitation to "take down" that threat, even if it costs her her own life. The Teaching on Unconditional Kindness instructs us to love the whole world as if it were our only child. How can I become so connected to those around me, so reverent for life, that I can trust any group I'm with to be right behind me in "taking them down?"
I am taking steps every day. Summer classes started this week, and I was troubled to hear no one reference the violence. Today, just before starting math class, the professor commented on last night's basketball game, drawing the most lively response yet from most of the students. I felt miserably excluded, and during the break, with compassion, let her know how alienating it felt only to hear sports news referenced in such a week. She responded with tears in her eyes that she gets so emotionally affected by violence that she can't mix it with teaching. I felt authentic connection, a worst-case fear of homophobia extinguished, and still, sadness and silence. It was a baby step.
I invite you to set foot on this path to inclusion by connecting with others genuinely and without expectation of anything in return. May you receive the whole world, this precious child.
May we all be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.
Every day, I am observing more clearly that I am exclusion, hatred, and alienation. I walk into the classroom and see Others who are unlike me, incomprehensible, and unapproachable. I feel disconnection and I perpetuate disconnection. And it's only 9am.
I was at first surprised after straight family or friends, with a single exception, chose not to reach out to me. At most an acquaintance would ask me "How are you?" with a bit more emphasis than usual, and perhaps show hesitation as they received a peaceful and joyful answer.
Exclusion is part of this world and knowing it is the first step on the path to freedom from it.
When I was beginning transition nine years ago, a Berkeley Free Clinic trainer explained to volunteers that, should someone draw a firearm in the clinic, "we take him down." As a martial artist, I agree, and I was relieved to learn that this is the official US recommendation for a group of people trapped with an active shooter. In reality, though, exclusion from those around us obstructs this unified protective response. This natural response.
If a mother sees her children's lives threatened, she moves without hesitation to "take down" that threat, even if it costs her her own life. The Teaching on Unconditional Kindness instructs us to love the whole world as if it were our only child. How can I become so connected to those around me, so reverent for life, that I can trust any group I'm with to be right behind me in "taking them down?"
I am taking steps every day. Summer classes started this week, and I was troubled to hear no one reference the violence. Today, just before starting math class, the professor commented on last night's basketball game, drawing the most lively response yet from most of the students. I felt miserably excluded, and during the break, with compassion, let her know how alienating it felt only to hear sports news referenced in such a week. She responded with tears in her eyes that she gets so emotionally affected by violence that she can't mix it with teaching. I felt authentic connection, a worst-case fear of homophobia extinguished, and still, sadness and silence. It was a baby step.
I invite you to set foot on this path to inclusion by connecting with others genuinely and without expectation of anything in return. May you receive the whole world, this precious child.
May we all be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.
Monday, April 25, 2016
An open letter to those who disparage goods "Made in China"
I'd
like to invite your attention to the conundrum
of wanting to save time and money and not wanting to buy factory items
that were "made in China."
I'm
sure we're all well-intentioned when we declare the desire to find
alternatives to these products, and at the same time I'm aware that
we're mostly unwilling to sacrifice the convenience and affordability
the global economy provides. I think the humanity of parents who have
left the care of their small children to relatives in rural villages in
order to earn any wage at all in ShenZhen deserves our attention as
well. I was among millions of "left-behind" children in my first years and attest to the brutal reality of this experience, however mitigated by my family's relative wealth. I've seen the toddler I live with weep and cry uncontrollably when his mother leaves for a few hours -- I can only guess at the impact of having parents gone for years, and what circumstances would drive a parent to make that decision.
Posted from my 2008 Lenovo ThinkPad, Made in China
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Breaking up a fist fight
On Friday, while waiting for the bus home, I noticed a woman sitting on the pavement, her belongings spread out around her, chattering to herself in Spanish. This is ordinary enough in the Bay Area that I paid her no mind, reading my newspaper a few feet away.
After a moment, though, her muttering became more vehement and I looked directly at her -- she was trans and some of her comments seemed directed at a Latino with his 3-year-old waiting nearby. Without warning she crawled on all fours several steps, now yammering in English, and got up in the man's face -- she seemed to be accusing him of looking at her "like I'm a man" -- and then bent down to yell at the child. At this the man quietly moved between her and his child, urging her away. She backed off and I went back to my reading, but the next thing I knew she was back at him and he punched her into the side of the bus.
I immediately stepped toward him, hand up and quietly talking -- they separated, fortunately, so I could stay between them. Another bystander approached the woman and was talking her down. The man yelled fiercely at her, ignoring me. Bystanders crowded behind him and shielded his kid and a bus driver yelled about the consequences of police coming (this was at Fruitvale BART). Without missing a beat the man redirected his yelling at me.
I stayed, watching and hearing him, feeling a thousand tiny flames erupt over my arms and upper chest, a contrasting piercing solidity of my heart pounding in the middle of it. I smelled sharp liquor in his breath. Then, as soon as it had begun, it ended: he turned away, the crowd relaxed, and our bus was boarding.
When an emergency calls there is no time for thought, performance, or self-judgment. Indeed, there is no self. I didn't assess the scene for safety, review self-defense options, or plan my words. There wasn't time. What took place was my confidence, skills, and presence as they were, however imperfect or inadequate, existing in that place and time.
In taekwondo, where kicking and striking are common, comfortable fighting distance is measured in feet and spans at least a leg-length. In hapkido and other "soft" arts, it's much closer, measured in inches, and keeping contact is essential for controlling the opponent. People learn self-defense in order to confront an "enemy." The alternative is to panic -- running away or breaking down (mentally running away) or overreacting and possibly escalating conflict. I think the practice that took place for me on Friday was this turning toward and facing violence without fear or anger. I think agency in that moment came from touching my heart with his.
What would I have done if he had tried to hit or grab me? Had he expressed transphobia? Did my presence deflate his alcohol-fueled fury? Could I have intervened sooner to calm the woman? I don't know; it did not realize that way.
It's enough for me to know there is ugliness and terrible suffering in the world. In the alcoholic man's family and in the woman's anger and neglect, there is so much healing needed. It's all I can do to be present with what is and to bring whatever I have. When there is pain, hatred, greed -- whatever your kryptonite -- advance toward it, get closer, and meet it with whatever you have. I trust that every person in that crowd could have done this. I trust that you can do this and are already doing it in some ways.
May all be safe and protected from inner and outer harm. May all be surrounded by and filled with unconditional kindness. May our hearts open.
After a moment, though, her muttering became more vehement and I looked directly at her -- she was trans and some of her comments seemed directed at a Latino with his 3-year-old waiting nearby. Without warning she crawled on all fours several steps, now yammering in English, and got up in the man's face -- she seemed to be accusing him of looking at her "like I'm a man" -- and then bent down to yell at the child. At this the man quietly moved between her and his child, urging her away. She backed off and I went back to my reading, but the next thing I knew she was back at him and he punched her into the side of the bus.
I immediately stepped toward him, hand up and quietly talking -- they separated, fortunately, so I could stay between them. Another bystander approached the woman and was talking her down. The man yelled fiercely at her, ignoring me. Bystanders crowded behind him and shielded his kid and a bus driver yelled about the consequences of police coming (this was at Fruitvale BART). Without missing a beat the man redirected his yelling at me.
I stayed, watching and hearing him, feeling a thousand tiny flames erupt over my arms and upper chest, a contrasting piercing solidity of my heart pounding in the middle of it. I smelled sharp liquor in his breath. Then, as soon as it had begun, it ended: he turned away, the crowd relaxed, and our bus was boarding.
When an emergency calls there is no time for thought, performance, or self-judgment. Indeed, there is no self. I didn't assess the scene for safety, review self-defense options, or plan my words. There wasn't time. What took place was my confidence, skills, and presence as they were, however imperfect or inadequate, existing in that place and time.
In taekwondo, where kicking and striking are common, comfortable fighting distance is measured in feet and spans at least a leg-length. In hapkido and other "soft" arts, it's much closer, measured in inches, and keeping contact is essential for controlling the opponent. People learn self-defense in order to confront an "enemy." The alternative is to panic -- running away or breaking down (mentally running away) or overreacting and possibly escalating conflict. I think the practice that took place for me on Friday was this turning toward and facing violence without fear or anger. I think agency in that moment came from touching my heart with his.
What would I have done if he had tried to hit or grab me? Had he expressed transphobia? Did my presence deflate his alcohol-fueled fury? Could I have intervened sooner to calm the woman? I don't know; it did not realize that way.
It's enough for me to know there is ugliness and terrible suffering in the world. In the alcoholic man's family and in the woman's anger and neglect, there is so much healing needed. It's all I can do to be present with what is and to bring whatever I have. When there is pain, hatred, greed -- whatever your kryptonite -- advance toward it, get closer, and meet it with whatever you have. I trust that every person in that crowd could have done this. I trust that you can do this and are already doing it in some ways.
May all be safe and protected from inner and outer harm. May all be surrounded by and filled with unconditional kindness. May our hearts open.
Monday, February 22, 2016
The enemy is white supremacy: on Peter Liang's manslaughter conviction
This week my mother has been following protests following Peter Liang's conviction in the shooting death of Akai Gurley. Never one for following current events with more attention than the evening newscast, she did not distinguish between injustice against one race group and injustice against all oppressed groups. To her, the protest against the jury's verdict (and indeed, the initial indictment) was a protest against racism in general.
I am proud that Peter Liang was convicted. He will serve time in the prison system alongside millions of black and Latino men including former police. The white supremacy of America's criminal justice institution has earned the attention of Asian- and Pacific Islander-Americans, like my mom, for the first time on this scale.* This is an opportunity to demand, alongside black Americans, the end of white privilege, not to demand that Liang be accorded white privilege alongside white police officers.
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, "Enduring suffering in love and awareness can erase the bitter hatred of a thousand lifetimes." There is no one or group of people to hate here: the unjust conditions including white supremacy, post-slavery poverty (leading to the unsafe and unlit state of Gurley's residence), police favoritism in criminal courts, unwholesome NYPD culture contributed to Gurley's death and Liang's mistakes. They contributed to the unjust killings and serial non-indictments of so many cases galvanizing Black Lives Matter. Let every one of us suffering under these unnecessary and destructive conditions be aware of Gurley's family's suffering and of Liang's suffering alongside our own.
Can we be aware of not only loud suffering but the years and generations of quiet suffering? And can we hold our suffering in community with love and confidence that what people have created, people can and must dismantle? More and more white people are learning about and preparing to give up their privilege. What privilege are you ready to recognize in your place in society, and are you ready to give it up?
Not being black is a privilege in America. Not being immigrant, especially recognizably so, is a privilege in America. Are you ready to give up those privileges to relieve the suffering of others, and ultimately your own? This is the conversation and the practice we deserve to be sharing with each other as people of color.
* Interesting reading about the history of non-solidarity among Asians in America.
I am proud that Peter Liang was convicted. He will serve time in the prison system alongside millions of black and Latino men including former police. The white supremacy of America's criminal justice institution has earned the attention of Asian- and Pacific Islander-Americans, like my mom, for the first time on this scale.* This is an opportunity to demand, alongside black Americans, the end of white privilege, not to demand that Liang be accorded white privilege alongside white police officers.
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, "Enduring suffering in love and awareness can erase the bitter hatred of a thousand lifetimes." There is no one or group of people to hate here: the unjust conditions including white supremacy, post-slavery poverty (leading to the unsafe and unlit state of Gurley's residence), police favoritism in criminal courts, unwholesome NYPD culture contributed to Gurley's death and Liang's mistakes. They contributed to the unjust killings and serial non-indictments of so many cases galvanizing Black Lives Matter. Let every one of us suffering under these unnecessary and destructive conditions be aware of Gurley's family's suffering and of Liang's suffering alongside our own.
Can we be aware of not only loud suffering but the years and generations of quiet suffering? And can we hold our suffering in community with love and confidence that what people have created, people can and must dismantle? More and more white people are learning about and preparing to give up their privilege. What privilege are you ready to recognize in your place in society, and are you ready to give it up?
Not being black is a privilege in America. Not being immigrant, especially recognizably so, is a privilege in America. Are you ready to give up those privileges to relieve the suffering of others, and ultimately your own? This is the conversation and the practice we deserve to be sharing with each other as people of color.
* Interesting reading about the history of non-solidarity among Asians in America.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Interview with my martial arts teacher, part 1
Let's start with this real-talk letter to the editor of the Economist newspaper from their November 14th issue.
[begin interview]
Q Introduce yourself, who are you?
J I'm Jacob Fisher, and, let's see, how long have I known you?
Q Wow! Okay, this is a story I did want to tell. We met in 2008, in the beginning of the summer I think. When Triangle Martial Arts Association had a self-defense seminar at the LGBT Center for trans people. [Note: The reason for my excitement is that Jacob is one of only two people I've known for eight years, not counting family, who is still a regular part of my life.]
J Ah, that's right.
Q Yeah, and it was big! It was a really big room, it was full of trans people, it was really awesome!
J It was. Yeah, we had a few people come up and you came up afterwards, didn't you?
Q Yeah.
J And then you went away... and then you came back.
It can be tricky sometimes with boundaries and knowing where and how to effectively draw them. So I kinda got off-topic there, but [laughs] Triangle was more interested in the person as a whole than a lot of other schools are.
[end interview excerpt]
Triangle was always inclusive of everyone, and people sometimes question the need for exclusive learning environments. The tool of oppression is invisible: most learning environments are designed by and maintained by people of privilege in the privileged culture -- in America, white, middle and upper class, straight, and cis-male. It's when we intentionally identify marginalized identities and cultures to define the learning environment that it becomes truly accessible to members of those groups. It's nearly impossible for privileged people, without help, to see how the environment obstructs learning for others.
One easy way to open up the learning environment is for the most powerful positions, teachers and board members, to be filled by members of those groups. I love that Jacob, through effort and persistence, was able to help Ken address his own limitations. I know a lot of trans people and people of color have burned out or become aversive to making similar efforts in their communities. Sometimes I still find myself in that place. It's because those communities are so important to us, rather than unimportant, that the process can be so difficult.
I offer this shared experience of Triangle and Eureka Valley as inspiration to those who continue to see ignorance in their communities, to be open to opportunities as they arise. Knowing from moment to moment what you have in you, what is worth risking for the well-being of our communities? Can we ever completely separate our personal well-being from that of our communities?
A human armyI've always been the idealist in every group I can remember. As a teenager I refused to buy new products and take car rides unnecessarily, patching clothes and biking to school. I want to document the unique and fleeting phenomenon of a martial arts club I trained with from '07-'09, in which I began to learn not only how to use my changing body and male presence but to avoid violent situations and to de-escalate street violence. Here is the first part of this month's interview with my teacher.
As a serviceman I read your article on the problems for army recruitment in America with interest (“Who will fight the next war?”, October 24th). Through games, movies and political pandering, we have cast the average American soldier as a hardened commando. This gives politicians leeway to make extreme claims about our military effectiveness while cutting our fighting strength. The result is a smaller force with higher expectations.
America’s troops should combat their status as idols. Perhaps making us seem a little more human will bring in more recruits who “don’t like the violence”, and undercut the idea that our military should be our primary instrument of foreign policy. --- SHAWN COOPER, Enterprise, Alabama
[begin interview]
Q Introduce yourself, who are you?
J I'm Jacob Fisher, and, let's see, how long have I known you?
Q Wow! Okay, this is a story I did want to tell. We met in 2008, in the beginning of the summer I think. When Triangle Martial Arts Association had a self-defense seminar at the LGBT Center for trans people. [Note: The reason for my excitement is that Jacob is one of only two people I've known for eight years, not counting family, who is still a regular part of my life.]
J Ah, that's right.
Q Yeah, and it was big! It was a really big room, it was full of trans people, it was really awesome!
J It was. Yeah, we had a few people come up and you came up afterwards, didn't you?
Q Yeah.
J And then you went away... and then you came back.
Q Yeah, I went to Camp Trans pretty much right after meeting you. It's funny because I remember Grand Master Ken Craig saw my Swarthmore t-shirt and pointed out that you had also gone there! ... and we never brought it up again so I actually forgot about that connection until this year. [Ken Craig was the founder of Triangle Martial Arts Association.]
J [laughing]
Q At Camp Trans I decided that I was going to do medical transition and started T pretty much the same time that you started Eureka Valley Taekwondo Club. How would you describe Triangle and Eureka Valley to our readers?
J Triangle Martial Arts Association was a club that was founded after Matthew Shepard was murdered. And it was specifically to provide a safe space for gay people to train in self defense and martial arts. I joined in 2001, and started with taekwondo and then, after I got my black belt, I started training in hapkido with Triangle, got my black belt in hapkido, and then I took over the hapkido club.
I also started a taekwondo club within Triangle Martial Arts Association focused on trans people. It was open to everyone, but I wanted to have a space that felt safe and welcoming and open for trans people. The reason was because I transitioned before joining Triangle and no one knew that I was trans. Then I had a friend in the club who transitioned while he was in the club and things didn't go smoothly for him. It was a very difficult experience for him. And I think that a lot of the people didn't realize that they were making this other person suffer by how they were treating him. I didn't want other trans people to go through that with Triangle because the whole idea of Triangle was to be a safe, welcoming space. So that bothered me that that was happening.
So I had many talks with Ken about it, and argued about it a little bit because he didn't think it was necessary, but after talking about it with him more he understood how it could feel unsafe and how comments that he saw as innocent could be very hurtful to someone who was trans. And then of course he was incredibly supportive and ... he came to class occasionally [laughs] and worked out with us and was a visible presence. So that's how Eureka Valley started. And it went on for a couple years? a few years...
Q At least two years.
J Yeah, and the goal... Ken, I think, sort of saw it as a feeding ground to the regular Triangle classes and I didn't see it that way at all. I wanted it to be its own thing, and of course in my fantasies there was a large group of trans folks who were incredible martial artists coming and having big huge demonstrations which... it didn't quite work out that way... but that was my fantasy.
But it lasted for a few years, which is good for a martial arts club. It was always pretty small and had a low student-instructor ratio, which is nice. We did do some cool things. We did more than one self-defense seminar for the trans community. I think the one you went to was the best, it was the biggest one. And it's always nice to have a large group -- it was very large even for the -- we would regularly do seminars just for the LGBT community, not specifically trans focused. But that was one of the larger, more successful ones. One of the things that makes them work is when people are open and contribute; they don't just sit there. People were engaged in it, which was fun and nice to see. And then we were at a couple of the Trans Marches at Dolores Park and we had a demonstration one year.
Those things were all really cool and good for [trans] visibility. The other thing I thought was important was to get trans people, regardless of whether they joined or not, thinking about being safer and self defense.
[See my comment at the bottom.]
[See my comment at the bottom.]
Q Something you said made me think about risk. It was a risk for you to come out to Ken in order to point out that there was a real injustice being done. And we think about risk in a really deep and a really real way in conversations that we've had in the middle of figuring out techniques. I'm just wondering if you have anything to say about that, like whether your attitude about risk has changed through your martial arts practice or what the role is, in your life, of martial arts training and your assessment of risk.
J I think, for me, the biggest thing about Triangle's approach to martial arts, the thing I appreciate the most, is that the physical stuff was secondary, the primary thing was the student and helping them to become more of who they are.
Let's say you have someone who is overly aggressive. The instructors as a group would actively work to help them to control some of that within class. And also sometimes, some of the senior instructors would talk to them: "Hey, so is that really working for you?" outside of class. And we have had several people who were able to see that connection of, "Oh, I changed how I was behaving in class, and it was better. It worked better. Now I'm going to change, make those same changes to how I'm behaving outside of class," not in a physical situation, but just interpersonally.
Let's say you have someone who is overly aggressive. The instructors as a group would actively work to help them to control some of that within class. And also sometimes, some of the senior instructors would talk to them: "Hey, so is that really working for you?" outside of class. And we have had several people who were able to see that connection of, "Oh, I changed how I was behaving in class, and it was better. It worked better. Now I'm going to change, make those same changes to how I'm behaving outside of class," not in a physical situation, but just interpersonally.
Q Wow.
J And "Oh, that was a positive change, too." So that's what I think was the best thing, most powerful thing about Triangle.
Q Are you talking about... at the level of arrogance? Or like, what kind of behaviors?
J No, bigger than that, like substance abuse.
Q Okay.
J So yeah! [laughs] there were some people with some really big problems that came to Triangle. And many who were helped significantly. And it wasn't something that maybe most students would be aware of, so that would be something quieter, behind the scenes and a lot of times it was Ken specifically working with someone because people would come to him. They would come to me sometimes. Because you start to become, sometimes... an authority figure, a parental figure, as an instructor, and sometimes people bring you personal problems. You have to have good boundaries.
[Note: Jacob had very strong boundaries as my instructor in Triangle. He was one of the toughest teachers I've had, including Chinese ones. I don't remember ever exchanging any small talk. In fact, I'm not sure I ever saw him laugh. At the time it was helpful for me to see strong boundaries modeled. Now, I'm exploring my classical Chinese-influenced relationship with student and teacher roles.]
It can be tricky sometimes with boundaries and knowing where and how to effectively draw them. So I kinda got off-topic there, but [laughs] Triangle was more interested in the person as a whole than a lot of other schools are.
Q Hm. Yeah, I do think of Triangle as a tremendous resource, and because martial arts touches on so many aspects of the practitioner's life.
J Yeah. And the other thing I want to add to that is that, you know, that's my take on it, and a lot of other students didn't see those layers and those layers weren't what was important to them, and in effect, that didn't exist for them. But for some people, it did. So it's kind of a weird thing, that's the other cool thing about Triangle for me was that it *was* what you made of it.
And your original question was about risk, and so I think that for me it was always about becoming more of who I am, and that always involves a risk, right? ... I think. So that's how they're related. [laughs]
Q Thanks.
J For me, starting a new club is a big deal. I don't believe it would have happened if I hadn't asked for it; certainly it wouldn't have come from above. So I'm glad I took that risk. I think it was worth it. [laughs]
Q It was worth it for me.
Also on the topic of risk... when I worked for TRANS: THRIVE, a local trans resource center, we had a documentary at the Frameline LGBT film festival. So I got to introduce the film by saying a little bit about TRANS: THRIVE. And one of the things I said was that we had support groups including a support group for trans men of color. And in this theater of I don't know how many hundreds of people, there was shouting and cheering and clapping, and it was a huge show of support, and ... almost no one showed up to this support group month after month.
J Yeah... That's how I felt with Eureka Valley Taekwondo Club. It was like, "Surely people must be excited about this!" They would be, but then it's hard to get people to show up.
Q Do you have thoughts about what is going on?
J [laughs] Why that should be? Action is always... you know, it's easy to clap and cheer for something and it's harder to get people to follow up, no matter what it is, I've found. There's a lot to do...
Q [laughs] [Note: I think this is a common, weak excuse for indecision and poor self-care. I've used it plenty when I was sicker, and now I am much clearer about my priorities and intentions. Let's live this one precious life like we mean it.]
J ... in the city. People are busy. There aren't that many people who are willing to give up that much of their time on a weekly basis, ongoing. And then some people try it, and they're like, "Oh, it's not quite what I thought it was," and then they stop... and... yeah.
Q I mean, Triangle had their own version of this challenge, right? There wasn't enough support because it... Oh! We should point out that this was a volunteer-run club. No one was paid for any of the time. Right?
J Yup, that is correct. In fact, Ken spent quite a bit of money out of pocket to run the club. Yeah, nobody made any money. Money went to renting a space and buying supplies for tests, things like that. Yeah, running a martial arts club is often not a profitable experience.
The club I'm in now, the same thing. The instructor, who is, in fact, the head of the system, so not only does he lead the club, he is the head of the entire art, pays money out of pocket to pay the rent each month. You would think that the head of a system would have people flocking to come train with him. [laughs]
Even though Triangle, I thought, and from what I've seen from the martial arts world, placed a very strong emphasis good teaching, so the instruction was pretty good, I'd say, removing myself from the equation. [laughing]
Q Although you were a student as well.
J That's true, I was a student as well. Good instructors teaching solid stuff. The other thing is that there are plenty of martial arts clubs here. Triangle was one of the very few that was specifically self-described as gay friendly. But it's not like you couldn't go to another club and be gay, although, when Triangle first started, that was not the case, even in the Bay Area. And there were even people who would exclude people... if they found out you were gay you couldn't train with them anymore, because they were afraid you were going to "give them AIDS". [His quotes]
Q Wow.
J Specifically, I mean actually, literally, people got kicked out for that.
Q In the nineties?!
J Yes.
Q Wow. That's... disgusting.
J Yeah. Ignorant and disgusting. But, you know, at the same time, you do have to be aware that we did have HIV-positive people within Triangle. You do bleed -- occasionally. Much less than in the club where I'm training now; we bleed a lot more often.
Q Oh my.
J And no one knows *anything* ... you start bleeding, you're bleeding on someone else's uniform, on someone else's body, and they don't stop.
Q [wails]
J So... I've often been the one to be like, "Oh, someone's bleeding, let's stop and cover it." And then the person'd be like, "Oh no, it's fine." I'd be like, "No! We're going to cover it."
Q [groans]
J [laughs] So there is a complete lack of awareness about infectious disease control.
Q [makes face]
J Yeah. [laughs] I'm also concerned about MRSA, frankly. [laughs]
Q Yeah... risk! [laughs]
J Yeah, more risk! [laughs]
[end interview excerpt]
Triangle was always inclusive of everyone, and people sometimes question the need for exclusive learning environments. The tool of oppression is invisible: most learning environments are designed by and maintained by people of privilege in the privileged culture -- in America, white, middle and upper class, straight, and cis-male. It's when we intentionally identify marginalized identities and cultures to define the learning environment that it becomes truly accessible to members of those groups. It's nearly impossible for privileged people, without help, to see how the environment obstructs learning for others.
One easy way to open up the learning environment is for the most powerful positions, teachers and board members, to be filled by members of those groups. I love that Jacob, through effort and persistence, was able to help Ken address his own limitations. I know a lot of trans people and people of color have burned out or become aversive to making similar efforts in their communities. Sometimes I still find myself in that place. It's because those communities are so important to us, rather than unimportant, that the process can be so difficult.
I offer this shared experience of Triangle and Eureka Valley as inspiration to those who continue to see ignorance in their communities, to be open to opportunities as they arise. Knowing from moment to moment what you have in you, what is worth risking for the well-being of our communities? Can we ever completely separate our personal well-being from that of our communities?
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Teaser: Interview with my martial arts teacher
I'm working on upcoming posts of an interview with Jacob Fisher, my martial arts teacher. In 2007 He started a transgender-friendly taekwondo club within a gay-focused group called Triangle Martial Arts Association.
Here's a brief audio excerpt.
Here's a brief audio excerpt.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Park review: Mount Diablo from North Gate
I want to share a bike-and-hike route I just discovered. It's autumn and the hills are deep in quiet. I looked for amorous tarantulas, but didn't spot any.
From Pleasant Hill BART Station, follow the little signs to Iron Horse Trail. You have to cross Treat to what looks like a driveway. You can also take the spectacular pedestrian bridge over Treat.
Keep heading south, away from BART until the first trail crossing. Turn left onto Contra Costa Canal Trail. It's well marked and there are few street crossings before Bancroft. This is a major street with generous bike lane most of the way; turn right onto it. It's a long, straight shot to a small roundabout. Bikes easily use the sidewalk, on which we're allowed at this intersection. Turn right, then left onto North Gate Road to Mount Diablo. This leads all the way to the summit.
I prefer to pull off at any of a handful of trailheads and hike. It's hard to find a post narrow enough to fit a U-lock around, though. There are group campgrounds most of the way to the summit.
The hills along this first section of North Gate are mostly exposed. To find trees you will have to head south to Barbecue Terrace Trail and the like. Instead, my legs got a workout climbing Burma Trail north of the road. Descent the same way was worth avoiding -- I looped up to Juniper and Summit Trails. Still, 2000+ feet gain got me a cooling breeze and a sense of accomplishment!
Right now water is turned off due to drought. This is a major obstacle to my being able to camp there! Enjoy your park explorations.
From Pleasant Hill BART Station, follow the little signs to Iron Horse Trail. You have to cross Treat to what looks like a driveway. You can also take the spectacular pedestrian bridge over Treat.
Keep heading south, away from BART until the first trail crossing. Turn left onto Contra Costa Canal Trail. It's well marked and there are few street crossings before Bancroft. This is a major street with generous bike lane most of the way; turn right onto it. It's a long, straight shot to a small roundabout. Bikes easily use the sidewalk, on which we're allowed at this intersection. Turn right, then left onto North Gate Road to Mount Diablo. This leads all the way to the summit.
I prefer to pull off at any of a handful of trailheads and hike. It's hard to find a post narrow enough to fit a U-lock around, though. There are group campgrounds most of the way to the summit.
 |
| Lovely lichens on a pock-weathered rock face |
Right now water is turned off due to drought. This is a major obstacle to my being able to camp there! Enjoy your park explorations.
 |
| I think I found emu tracks. |
Friday, September 11, 2015
The courage to find the Way through martial arts and mindfulness in modern life
No one has ever tried to punch me maliciously; I will probably go the rest of my life without encountering such an assault. We spend a lot of time in martial arts class preparing to defend ourselves against just such an attack. In daily life, however, I have emotional conflicts with myself and others that have a measurable physical impact. This post is about how martial arts and my Buddhist practice are helping me work with it.
Have you ever noticed that emotions have physical sensations? In mindfulness practice one can sensitize one's awareness of sensations in the body, not to get rid of them or prolong or intensify them, but to know what is happening here and now. In the Buddhist teaching on unconditional kindness this constancy of mindfulness is celebrated as "living in heaven here and now!"* When one is being verbally attacked, whether the attacker is face to face or in a recording or phone call, one may feel sensations in the body including heaviness, paralysis, searing pain, heat, constriction in the chest, heart pounding, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, etc. These stress responses might be helpful in a predator-prey situation where one's life depends on stillness and readiness to flee or fight, but in modern life they hinder well-being and conflict resolution. As we evolved as fish, lizards, and tree-climbers the stress response would be discharged once the threat disappeared, but how can we discharge these high-energy sensations in modern life with a modern brain?
One technique is to apply mindfulness to the acute sensations in one's body at that moment. They are just passing sensations, so they are not worth acting on unwisely. In street self-defense, as in the wild, we learn to use our own alarm and excitement as a source of speed and energy for measured, protective responses. In taekwondo we learn to control facial expression so we can choose whether to show pain when attacked. We learn to feel pain without aversion and reaction so our actions continue to be consciously chosen. In a street or competitive fight a flat affect can discourage an attacker, and when someone who loves us attacks us in anger, sometimes seeing our pained expression can help slow and disarm them. Doesn't it escalate anger and frustration in you when someone to whom you are speaking harshly appears unresponsive? In that moment what would you like to see and hear that would restore your forgiveness and kindness?
Another technique is to apply mindfulness to a deliberate, unaggressive movement such as shifting weight from one foot to the other, touching one's own face, even lifting a finger. The consciousness of this apparently insignificant motion reminds the body that one is still in control and not physically trapped or immobilized; it might be perceived by the attacker (if present) as a non-threatening sign of engagement, "I'm listening." This technique connects to somatic therapy, which uses awareness of sensation and the body's ability to discharge pent-up trauma through natural movements. In situations of emotional distress the Buddha directed those present to "follow the breath," a sensation source that connects us to all life.
There's a common misconception about martial arts training that I had to overcome in my first year of taekwondo practice. When one walks into the school, immediately rituals and rules snap into place. Remove one's shoes, change into a costume, bow to the flags at the threshold, bow to each other, address senior ranks and black belts as "sir" or "ma'am," line up in rank order, etc. At first this seems contrived. I personally rebelled internally against the hierarchy of rank.
As I practiced more and watched other students, though, I began to understand that not only was rank earned through effort and physical, mental, and spiritual skillbuilding, the entire format exists to cultivate the Way, "do" in many martial arts styles (aikido, judo, hapkido). Self-consciousness and pride can fade as the Way to interact and communicate with every situation becomes clearer. In the real world any situation may arise; the school provides an orderly container to cultivate the ability to see right Ways and opportunities to respond appropriately. Eventually I experienced this in the joyful ease of giving guidance to new students when I saw a need, without a thought or sense of pride.
Have you ever noticed that emotions have physical sensations? In mindfulness practice one can sensitize one's awareness of sensations in the body, not to get rid of them or prolong or intensify them, but to know what is happening here and now. In the Buddhist teaching on unconditional kindness this constancy of mindfulness is celebrated as "living in heaven here and now!"* When one is being verbally attacked, whether the attacker is face to face or in a recording or phone call, one may feel sensations in the body including heaviness, paralysis, searing pain, heat, constriction in the chest, heart pounding, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, etc. These stress responses might be helpful in a predator-prey situation where one's life depends on stillness and readiness to flee or fight, but in modern life they hinder well-being and conflict resolution. As we evolved as fish, lizards, and tree-climbers the stress response would be discharged once the threat disappeared, but how can we discharge these high-energy sensations in modern life with a modern brain?
One technique is to apply mindfulness to the acute sensations in one's body at that moment. They are just passing sensations, so they are not worth acting on unwisely. In street self-defense, as in the wild, we learn to use our own alarm and excitement as a source of speed and energy for measured, protective responses. In taekwondo we learn to control facial expression so we can choose whether to show pain when attacked. We learn to feel pain without aversion and reaction so our actions continue to be consciously chosen. In a street or competitive fight a flat affect can discourage an attacker, and when someone who loves us attacks us in anger, sometimes seeing our pained expression can help slow and disarm them. Doesn't it escalate anger and frustration in you when someone to whom you are speaking harshly appears unresponsive? In that moment what would you like to see and hear that would restore your forgiveness and kindness?
Another technique is to apply mindfulness to a deliberate, unaggressive movement such as shifting weight from one foot to the other, touching one's own face, even lifting a finger. The consciousness of this apparently insignificant motion reminds the body that one is still in control and not physically trapped or immobilized; it might be perceived by the attacker (if present) as a non-threatening sign of engagement, "I'm listening." This technique connects to somatic therapy, which uses awareness of sensation and the body's ability to discharge pent-up trauma through natural movements. In situations of emotional distress the Buddha directed those present to "follow the breath," a sensation source that connects us to all life.
 |
| Me breaking for a Triangle Martial Arts Association demo in 2010. |
As I practiced more and watched other students, though, I began to understand that not only was rank earned through effort and physical, mental, and spiritual skillbuilding, the entire format exists to cultivate the Way, "do" in many martial arts styles (aikido, judo, hapkido). Self-consciousness and pride can fade as the Way to interact and communicate with every situation becomes clearer. In the real world any situation may arise; the school provides an orderly container to cultivate the ability to see right Ways and opportunities to respond appropriately. Eventually I experienced this in the joyful ease of giving guidance to new students when I saw a need, without a thought or sense of pride.
For a crude example, if I am so unfortunate as to meet someone who tries to punch me, I see a Way to help him stop harming himself and me and engage in stepping out of the way, calling his attention to this unnecessary violence, and if necessary immobilizing him. If I am skilled I will do so with kindness and not hatred because I understand ignorance, not any one person afflicted with it, is the enemy. I understand that society currently rewards greed and promotes false views, and as a member of that society I get to interact with that norm and its consequences. When a gunman burst into their train car Sadler, Skarlatos, and Stone saw the Way was to take him down, without heroism and without hate. They could have killed the man, but they simply saved him from the terrible consequence of murdering and injuring others. I believe they didn't have to think about consequences, debate how appropriate it was for foreign tourists to engage, or weigh whether protecting the others in the car was worth the personal risk. They saw what needed to be done and just did it.
We can practice in our everyday lives so that if severe physical and emotional misfortunes do befall us, as they eventually do, we can be ready to see the Way and act with conviction, kindness, and skill. Every "difficult person" can be a spiritual friend in a situation that shows us more of the Way. Every challenge is an opportunity to look hard at ourselves, know and befriend all bodily sensations that arise without discrimination, and keep the steering wheel steadily in hand.
Our worst tormentor is our own mind and our ultimate liberator is also our own mind. It's up to you to use your precious time to work with the mind. May we all have the courage to face the reality around and within us, with mindfulness, without preference or aversion, and with the freshness of the present moment that is the touch of every bodily sensation.
* Pali: Brahmamettam viharam idamahu
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Abandon the twin engine of oppression
I have decided to abandon hatred and greed.
All summer I have been investigating intensely the following, and am becoming convinced that the hatred when I think hateful thoughts, say hateful things, and act from a place of hate is made of the same material as all human hatred. I have become aware of the impact of hatred and greed on myself and on others, and its effect of destruction on the world. I am becoming convinced that hatred and greed in my own heart and mind are the twin engines of oppression. It is Augusto Boal's "cop in the head:" there need be no cop physically restraining me, beating me, or searching my home when my mind does all that work constantly. Indeed, the source of ill-will toward others is a long-time dwelling self-hatred that denies the common humanity and potential for freedom of myself and others.
With this awareness I have begun to cultivate kindness and generosity. I resolve with strong determination to abandon hatred and greed. I will notice every time these old habits repeat and remember that they are not worth my time. With this precious human life I will practice kindness toward myself and others. This is the most important work that I can do to stop oppression and needless suffering here and now.
If oppression doesn't end in this lifetime of work that's fine. My ancestors started this work thousands of years ago and future generations will benefit from my work and continue it. What matters most now is that I pay attention to the manifestation of hatred and greed in my mind, speech, and actions and abandon it again and again, to turn toward any suffering and offer kindness and generosity instead.
In the teaching on goodwill there is a beautiful line "it is said this is living in heaven here and now," that is, maintaining constant awareness and wakefulness (except in deep sleep). May we all see hatred and greed for what they are, and turn in kindness toward long-time suffering in ourselves and others.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Four Elements
My prison penpal asked about the four elements common among cultures all over the world. I used an example to explain.
One of my favorite things to do with my teacher is grappling, wrestling to immobilize the other on the ground. I'm a beginner, but I enjoy the whole-body challenge of moving like Water. Water feels soft; it always finds its lowest point through the smallest opening, sometimes even rising by adhesion through a bit of fabric. The smallest hole can empty a vessel of water, even break it in the process. (It feels soft, but is strong.) So in grappling I am learning to be soft and liquid, seeking any open space at every moment.
Simultaneously an opponent seeks to restrict my movements, so often I have to be like Earth, committing to a motion to escape. This can feel scary when I don't want to hurt my partner or myself, and too much Earth can get me stuck opposing a closed way. That wastes energy, Fire, and leaves me exhausted and weak.
Air can help me: a feeling of spaciousness in focus. Usually when I am pinned down it's uncomfortable and hard to breathe, but if I give up panic and slow my struggle, I conserve Fire for making that small "hole" when it becomes possible.
To succeed, in grappling or living in general, one must use all four elements skillfully and interchangeably. They are, after all, a construct in the oneness of being. When one is able to be as much a part of the present situation as a wave is part of the ocean, skillful action flows easily from being, without division into elements.
May all creatures find ease in every situation.
One of my favorite things to do with my teacher is grappling, wrestling to immobilize the other on the ground. I'm a beginner, but I enjoy the whole-body challenge of moving like Water. Water feels soft; it always finds its lowest point through the smallest opening, sometimes even rising by adhesion through a bit of fabric. The smallest hole can empty a vessel of water, even break it in the process. (It feels soft, but is strong.) So in grappling I am learning to be soft and liquid, seeking any open space at every moment.
Simultaneously an opponent seeks to restrict my movements, so often I have to be like Earth, committing to a motion to escape. This can feel scary when I don't want to hurt my partner or myself, and too much Earth can get me stuck opposing a closed way. That wastes energy, Fire, and leaves me exhausted and weak.
Air can help me: a feeling of spaciousness in focus. Usually when I am pinned down it's uncomfortable and hard to breathe, but if I give up panic and slow my struggle, I conserve Fire for making that small "hole" when it becomes possible.
To succeed, in grappling or living in general, one must use all four elements skillfully and interchangeably. They are, after all, a construct in the oneness of being. When one is able to be as much a part of the present situation as a wave is part of the ocean, skillful action flows easily from being, without division into elements.
May all creatures find ease in every situation.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Response to Pope Francis's Encyclical
I'm excited to write today about Pope Francis's rallying cry for stewardship of the planet and resounding admonishment of consumerism and greed. This is the first time I've heard a high-profile leader point out that those who suffer the most from climate change are those least responsible for it. In fact, the wealthiest nations and families have enriched themselves by depriving colonized and enslaved peoples of resources and freedom for many generations. The pope states that the former owe reparations for impoverishing the planet.
There are some moving and revealing quotes here*. He acknowledges our free will to choose to cultivate either goodness or suffering and clearly directs that the church "must above all protect mankind from self-destruction." The choice is ours, and he urges us to use our best intelligence, including insights offered by science. His is an encouraging perspective on the collaboration of science and religion.
Here is an Argentine who, in working in slums in Buenos Aires, cultivated deep commitment to end suffering, especially of the poor. Despite the traditional structure of the Vatican his progressive work has grown, rousing opposition among Catholic conservatives. High-profile assassinations, including those of Martin Luther King and President James A. Garfield, have been motivated by threats to class inequality. I am convinced Pope Francis and his advisers are well aware of this, and genuinely perform according to a profound sense of duty and virtue.
We need all religious leaders, communities, oppressed peoples, and privileged peoples to get on board with the Encyclical. Let's receive this message of kindness and concern and broadcast it into our lives a millionfold.
* http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/419946/consider-accepting-pope-franciss-invitation-view-human-creation-full-and-yes-including
There are some moving and revealing quotes here*. He acknowledges our free will to choose to cultivate either goodness or suffering and clearly directs that the church "must above all protect mankind from self-destruction." The choice is ours, and he urges us to use our best intelligence, including insights offered by science. His is an encouraging perspective on the collaboration of science and religion.
Here is an Argentine who, in working in slums in Buenos Aires, cultivated deep commitment to end suffering, especially of the poor. Despite the traditional structure of the Vatican his progressive work has grown, rousing opposition among Catholic conservatives. High-profile assassinations, including those of Martin Luther King and President James A. Garfield, have been motivated by threats to class inequality. I am convinced Pope Francis and his advisers are well aware of this, and genuinely perform according to a profound sense of duty and virtue.
We need all religious leaders, communities, oppressed peoples, and privileged peoples to get on board with the Encyclical. Let's receive this message of kindness and concern and broadcast it into our lives a millionfold.
* http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/419946/consider-accepting-pope-franciss-invitation-view-human-creation-full-and-yes-including
Sunday, April 26, 2015
"Embodied" for audience and orchestra
I recently submitted a text score to a traditional orchestra for the Minnesota Orchestra Composer Institute. The art is not in the proposed performance but in the review of the score by its "panel of prominent composers." The call for submissions specifies "works with electronic elements will be considered on a case-by-case basis." It's 2015, people!
So I call for musicians onstage to be separated by gender identity; partway through, all the white players exit, leaving their instruments and setting fire to kindling beneath a trough of water at the stage's edge. I instruct sections of the orchestra to play (passages of individual choice) or silence by gesturing from the audience. I interpret the audience through my body. This is hierarchy, racism, sexism, body essentialism, and climate change balled up in one dangerous, noisy motion.
The icing on the cake was a required recommendation letter "from a composition teacher or music professional" -- as of composers survive by being in school or racking up performance expenses. Here's an excerpt from mine, by Dan Schwartz, a percussionist coworker at the Exploratorium:
"As a professional multi-instrumentalist who has performed everywhere from Tanglewood to IRCAM to the Slut Dungeon, I have never felt more connected to or exhilarated by a single piece of music than when destroying a telephone during a performance of one of Li’s works. Cracking the shell, the interface, excited my salivary glands. Memories of the last time I had lobster. The fumes. The steam. The exhilaration of dropping it live into the boiling pot. Then prying out the buttons with a flat-head screwdriver. The splitting crack as sockets released their organs. [...] When we are thrown into a situation where we are allowed to realize our one shared desire: to go [expletive removed] ourselves. Omphalos."
So I call for musicians onstage to be separated by gender identity; partway through, all the white players exit, leaving their instruments and setting fire to kindling beneath a trough of water at the stage's edge. I instruct sections of the orchestra to play (passages of individual choice) or silence by gesturing from the audience. I interpret the audience through my body. This is hierarchy, racism, sexism, body essentialism, and climate change balled up in one dangerous, noisy motion.
The icing on the cake was a required recommendation letter "from a composition teacher or music professional" -- as of composers survive by being in school or racking up performance expenses. Here's an excerpt from mine, by Dan Schwartz, a percussionist coworker at the Exploratorium:
"As a professional multi-instrumentalist who has performed everywhere from Tanglewood to IRCAM to the Slut Dungeon, I have never felt more connected to or exhilarated by a single piece of music than when destroying a telephone during a performance of one of Li’s works. Cracking the shell, the interface, excited my salivary glands. Memories of the last time I had lobster. The fumes. The steam. The exhilaration of dropping it live into the boiling pot. Then prying out the buttons with a flat-head screwdriver. The splitting crack as sockets released their organs. [...] When we are thrown into a situation where we are allowed to realize our one shared desire: to go [expletive removed] ourselves. Omphalos."
Thanks, Dan. We wish we could be with the panel as they read our work. Distributive performance art forbids it, alas.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Park review: Lime Ridge Open Space in Concord, CA
I've continued exploring alternate entry points to Mount Diablo. For now, Lime Ridge Open Space is not one of them. A Mount Diablo advocacy group bought the land between the two parks in 2006 but has kept it fenced off to date. What's taking so long to open the gate?
Transit: The park is a pleasant bike ride from Walnut Creek BART station. Take the Ygnacio Canal Trail east from John Muir Medical Center, a low-use, smooth paved trail through residential areas accompanied by fragrant flowers and mallard ducks. From the bike trail there's a quarter-mile low grade climb to the trailhead, but traffic was light on a Saturday and I reached 24 mph according to radar on the way down.
The Park: Lime Ridge itself is quite delightful, despite being next to a golf course and shooting range. The rocky land is crisscrossed by informal bike trails. Sloppily-signed park trails circumscribe the many ridges and hills. Refer to the map at the trailhead because the hills block line of vision and I dead ended at the park's edge several times. I encountered only a couple bikers at great distance and a few hikers -- very light use for a Saturday.
The light-colored sedimentary rock accumulated from Sierra Nevada runoff 45 million years ago (mya) and was uplifted with Mount Diablo. The layered ridges result from this geologically slow lifting action with erosion of softer rocks. That linked site claims there are still hot springs there which add limestone and dolomite to the rock crevices, completing the ingredients for marble such as prized Italian Travertine. In this case they didn't bake in the pressure cooking part of the Earth's crust, so marble didn't form.
Wildlife: Wildflowers were in bloom in a rainbow of blue dicks, orange poppies, deep purple lupine, and pink. Smell the tiny pineapple weed at the trailhead -- they are a chamomile relative. I napped under a wonderful old oak tree, cushioned by leaf litter, then wildcrafted a big bag of stinging nettle for dinner and tea. Yum, thanks!
I saw my first California Horned Lizard when it scuttled away, then stopped to peer back at me with its tiny eye. There were plenty of other lizards, mesmerizing birdsongs, California quail, and butterflies and dragonflies. Pollinators will soon mob the buckeye trees, whose flower clusters are just budding now. A park sign warns of big predators but I was only there midday.
Preparation: Most of the park is quite exposed, so bring sunblock and a hat, and expect to get grit in your mouth. Because of the looping pattern of the trails, novice hikers should time themselves carefully. There was a port-a-potty in good condition at the trailhead with wash station.
Transit: The park is a pleasant bike ride from Walnut Creek BART station. Take the Ygnacio Canal Trail east from John Muir Medical Center, a low-use, smooth paved trail through residential areas accompanied by fragrant flowers and mallard ducks. From the bike trail there's a quarter-mile low grade climb to the trailhead, but traffic was light on a Saturday and I reached 24 mph according to radar on the way down.
The Park: Lime Ridge itself is quite delightful, despite being next to a golf course and shooting range. The rocky land is crisscrossed by informal bike trails. Sloppily-signed park trails circumscribe the many ridges and hills. Refer to the map at the trailhead because the hills block line of vision and I dead ended at the park's edge several times. I encountered only a couple bikers at great distance and a few hikers -- very light use for a Saturday.
The light-colored sedimentary rock accumulated from Sierra Nevada runoff 45 million years ago (mya) and was uplifted with Mount Diablo. The layered ridges result from this geologically slow lifting action with erosion of softer rocks. That linked site claims there are still hot springs there which add limestone and dolomite to the rock crevices, completing the ingredients for marble such as prized Italian Travertine. In this case they didn't bake in the pressure cooking part of the Earth's crust, so marble didn't form.
Wildlife: Wildflowers were in bloom in a rainbow of blue dicks, orange poppies, deep purple lupine, and pink. Smell the tiny pineapple weed at the trailhead -- they are a chamomile relative. I napped under a wonderful old oak tree, cushioned by leaf litter, then wildcrafted a big bag of stinging nettle for dinner and tea. Yum, thanks!
I saw my first California Horned Lizard when it scuttled away, then stopped to peer back at me with its tiny eye. There were plenty of other lizards, mesmerizing birdsongs, California quail, and butterflies and dragonflies. Pollinators will soon mob the buckeye trees, whose flower clusters are just budding now. A park sign warns of big predators but I was only there midday.
Preparation: Most of the park is quite exposed, so bring sunblock and a hat, and expect to get grit in your mouth. Because of the looping pattern of the trails, novice hikers should time themselves carefully. There was a port-a-potty in good condition at the trailhead with wash station.
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